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TABLOID 
 
                      MAX THE WONDER DOG! 
     Man says his dog knows five languages.  On a farm just outside of the city lives Max.  An ordinary sheep dog except for his ability to understand and respond in five languages.  His owner Donald Egg says he doesn't know where Max learned to speak or understand any of the languages he knows.  Since Max knows English, French, Mandarin, Swahili, jive and his native tongue, he is constantly in need as a translator. 
 
                     RATS IN ALBERTA 
  Chinese pygmy rat in Banff. Spotted by more than one person on numerous occasions, the rare  Chinese pygmy rat rampages in Banff.  These creatures although small are adept jumpers, and have been known to sit motionless for extended periods of time.  Causing no great harm the pygmy rats were introduced by immigrants, during the building of the railroad.  Looking more like whiskerless mice they flourish even in this era of strict rat control.  The Chinese pygmy rat has been known to cause problems with the phone, including unknown long distance calls.  It also seems to create havoc with ones socks. 
 
                    STRIKE LOOMS 
   Park animals are preparing to strike.  It appears the multitude of life forms in the Banff area are ready to strike complaining that regulations preventing the feeding wildlife is in violation of the constitution.  Rockie the Ram, using Max to interpret, said that it would start with a work to rule program with wildlife cutting down on the number of appearances they will make for the tourists.  If this is not sufficient than a sit in at the park gates is planned. 
 
                     CULT GAP CRAZIES 
   Strange men in black have been seen lingering in the are of Lake Minniwanka.  Indian elders believe it has to do with a rebirth of a cult of Elvis impersonators that worship the water spirit that inhabits the lake.  Upon being asked about said spirit one man said 
"I know nothing," but the number of disappearances that occur there each year still leaves one to wonder. 
Your generic horrorscopes from our resident pseudopsychic. 
 
                     FARMER HAS RADIOACTIVE CROP 
    Farmer finds strange circular patterns in field. U.F.O-ologist from the University of Phred. He noted several strange details, including, ``high radioactivity, blue swead shoes and an unusual amount of Rhinestones, scattered amongst the patterns.  The most unusual discover at the U.F.O. sight was the finding of a magazine called the Generic Opinion.''  I, myself was baffled.  ``This is the first of the circles we know of to have this kind of stuff left behind, It's like someone opened their car door and swept the thing out.'' said Dr. I.D. Fnord. 
 
                     BABY BORN WITH ONE HEAD! 
     Incredible as it may sound a perfectly healthy child was born with only one head.  Proud parents Bob & Jane Doe Beam with pride at their newborn child.  Jane was heard to say ``were glade it only had five fingers and toes."  The Doe's have named the child Phred.  Even with only one head Phred should be able to lead a normal childhood. 
 
                      MAX THE WONDER DOG DEAD! 
    After hiding out with a well know dead rock star.  It has been confirmed that Max was shot while asleep by natural causes. 
 
                      MAN KILLED BY TROUT 
    During an expedition to Idaho Morris Kelp was killed by a trout.  It seems that the fish slapped him in the face.  Mr. Kelp was so stunned by the event, that he fell into a large tank of experimental, killer trout.  The trout have refused to comment on the situation, but the lawyers on behalf of the late Mr. Kelp said that they will have to talk in court. 
 
                      TOFU PROVEN UNHEALTHY 
 
    After years of research, Dr McDonald, has released his findings on the wonder food tofu.  It turns out that tofu is highly addictive and may cause the death of brain cells and possible chromosome damage. The increase in tofu addiction has seen an upswing in the past few years.  Many addicts preferring the authentic Manchurian fermented dofu, from Northern China. 
 
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